Thursday, May 18, 2006

The Thing I Have Feared Has Come to Pass

I can imagine baskets of Swedish Ivy hanging on the part of the fence that curves over the yard. The building is a new one, five or six stories tall. The angles of the lines at the windows make for interesting shadows in the noonday sun.

I am afraid to look at the windows, worried that I will be seen and it will upset him like it did when he was in preschool and I had to leave. It is a quiet scene, a painful scene. I have never been here before.

And then a familiar man’s voice rings out, a voice so deep that it still surprises me: “Mama.” Even as I glance at the windows, searching for a face to go with the voice, I know that I can’t see anything, and I don’t know, maybe it isn’t my kid, but it sounds like him. Maybe it’s wishful thinking. Maybe someone up there, behind the window, needs a mama. Maybe it’s just a cruel joke. I have decided it’s wise to bow my head and ignore the voice.

But he speaks again, this time with more urgency, “Mama” and after a brief pause: “I love you, Mama”. All my wisdom and propriety is abandoned as I call back, “I love you too son”. Without missing a step, I continue walking into the building. That’s how it was when he was in preschool, there came the time when I finally had to walk away, and not look back. But Lord God, he’s not in preschool.

He’s in jail.


And it hurts. . .


We got the call at 5:00 a.m. Mother's Day morning. I have talked to him on the phone. Bailing him out would be a stretch for us, but for now, we are choosing to leave him in.

There were other things I have feared-- an overdose, a car wreck, a violent death.

Now I fear a different list of things.

But I will also remember:

“Thus far the Lord has helped us.” 1 Samuel 7:12

And I will be grateful for His faithfulness, even in the darkest of times.

14 comments:

  1. My prayers are with you and your son.

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  2. I'm sorry to hear that. Part of me wants to wax philosophically here.......but I would say that I am glad you are standing your ground, and trusting that it will be the right thing. I will keep you all in my prayers.

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  3. Oh, Annie. I am really sorry. I can't imagine how hard it must be.

    what ayekah said...

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  4. Annie! I'm so sorry for you and your family. Chin up, my lady -- all will be well!
    ((((hugs))))

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  5. Thank you for trusting us with your anguish, annie. We are all praying for you and your family.

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  6. "If I say Surely the darkness will overwhelm me, and the light around me will be night, Even the darkness is not dark to You, and the night is as bright as the day"...Psalm 139...True on both sides of that wall, Annie. Praying with you......Jim

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  7. (((annie))). i am here, girl. praying for you all, still.

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  8. Still praying for you and your family. You know where I am and how to get ahold of me. You are doing such a great job and I am so proud of you!

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  9. I am going to New York City tomorrow. As I fly high in the sky, I will look down from my vantage point and be praying for you, for the boy out of preschool, for us all.

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  10. I'm so sorry. Believe me, there's hope...a lot of hope.

    I'll be praying for you and your son.

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  11. (((Annie))) Oh, Annie. I don't have anything to say other than ... I'm here for you if you need to talk. I'll email my tel #.

    (((Annie)))

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  12. I've come here via Eldonna's jfth group, and this post nearly knocked me backwards. We are dealing with a son who has made choices that are leading him down a path to...this. My biggest fear, just after the other ones you listed there. I'll be thinking of you, and hope that maybe this will be a life changing sort of experience for your son, in all the right ways.

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  13. Blessings on you, Annie. We have a 17 year old who we are trying to get to make choices that will NOT lead him down this road.

    I'm holding you in my heart.

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