I'm in a mood. And when I'm in this mood, I need reminders.
Reminders to be gentle with myself.
Reminders to be present. And to breathe.
Reminders that things can be better, hope that things will be better.
Reminders that I have ancestors, living family and friends who support me, who love and care about me.
(I have a photo I did with this quote on it, but I could not find it this morning. I have probably posted it here on the blog but I'm not taking the time now to look for it.)
Reminders that life is not a straight progression of easy things we live through well and get our little check mark saying that lesson is done and over with.
Reminders that, while joy can be slippery, there is light, and life is a sacred path (and walking that path is a privilege).
I've been thinking some this morning about how often the path does narrow, and how there are those times when we must walk ahead into darkness alone because the path has narrowed.
I'm grateful for the imagination to be able to picture those who are with me in spirit.
I will admit, I am a nervous person, afraid of many things, but I'm not afraid to be melodramatic!
What does happen at the end, other than the path narrows,
and squeezes the life out of us?
There is another photo I saw while looking through my files, and now can't find it. It is a photo of my hand, to which I've added a hugely important reminder: "I shall not hang myself today."
When I feel overwhelmed and bullied by life, I often have this childish reaction to want to decide to get mad and quit. Knowing that I can have that option somehow helps me not to want to choose that option. It helps me keep my values in proper order. Ultimately I am tenacious and persevering but for some odd reason, it just helps me very much to stop and consider that I could choose to allow myself to give up.
My strength is that I choose life. I know this now, with thanks in large part to having dealt with cancer. My first instinct was to fight. And to fight hard. I'm still willing to fight. And I'm doing it. Fighting. Even when I'm damned well sick and tired of it!
To turn inward, to be introspective, this is one of my ways of getting myself to "snap out of it" when I feel a bit overwhelmed by what I perceive to be the darkness in life. I'm smart enough to know the darkness will be with us always, as will the light. I'm an idealist at heart and I keep having to remind myself that life will not always serve me up the ideal days and times I think I desire (because if we always get the "ideal" in life, and never have to struggle, how will we learn and grow?)
Don't anybody worry about me.
"I shall not hang myself today."
It occurs to me, as I look through my files, that I have an enormous (and not well organized) body of work (excellent work, if I do say so myself). I also think I have more work in me. I have plenty left to do. I want to do that work.
I want to let my light shine.
(These are the things I needed to hear today. Sometimes you just gotta set yourself down and have a little talk with yourself. I feel sorry for folks who can't do this. I'm off to look for the sunshine and to work, again, at dispelling the darkness that seems always to hover at the edges of me.)