I saw my colon cancer oncologist today. All is well on that front (or end, as the case may be). I'll still be checking in with them several times a year. Everyone is going to try and coordinate the schedule so that I can see as many doctors as possible in one trip. Isn't that special? :)
There are days when I wonder if I will ever get back to the point where my health is not my first and biggest area of concern. There are days when I wonder if I well ever get to the point where I stay well, if I will make it to my five year marks with no more cancer occurring. There are days when I wonder what in heck I am supposed to be doing with my life, especially now, with being so aware of my mortality.
And then there are days (sometimes several all in a row) where I wonder all these things and more. It can be paralyzing for me. I don't know that I know what life is all about. I thought I did, at one point in my life.
I have six more radiation treatments to go and then I will return to my "normal" life.
Sometimes I don't know what to do with myself, or how to be a cancer patient. People call me brave, or intrepid, or courageous. They don't see how nerve-wracked I am while navigating Houston traffic, or when there is a change in the normal schedule and I have to park in a different garage. Maybe all I've really learned is I can only live by continuing to put one foot in front of the other and just keep on trudging the path, one step at a time. And also to share whatever light I can with others I meet along the way. That's no small job if you think about it.
There is a poem a dear friend posted on Facebook recently. I am not the woman I'd thought I'd be. And yes, I am softer from all my storms.
She is not the girl she used to be,
nor the woman that she had thought
she would grow up to become.
She was something different entirely.
Certainly not as together as she expected,
but somehow more complete
than she ever would have imagined.
She was softer from all the storms
and not nearly as reckless with her heart
and, finally, she was completely unapologetic
in all of her tarnished glory.