Yesterday was the 13th anniversary of my brother’s death. I don’t think about it so often anymore, but thoughts of him always come to me around this time of year. I find myself wishing I could sit and visit with again for just a couple of hours. The picture above is the back of his tombstone. He and his wife had no children, other than the four legged kind in the picture.The anti-depressant has made everything flat. The sadness is no longer overwhelming, but it is still here. It’s like I no longer care about anything, and I don’t care that I don’t care. It will be all right. Eventually.
It would be easier without the stress of Christmas breathing down my neck. Nothing is done. Yet. I read an article in today’s paper that said Protestants once eschewed the celebration of Christmas. Maybe I will become that kind of Protestant! I don’t know how long ago this was. My parents certainly celebrated the holiday, and I believe their parents before them did also.
The temperature is supposed to be in the thirties in the morning. It's cool and breezy outside now with the wind coming out of the north. I love it. But I think the temps are supposed to climb back up again before Christmas. I think it is a pure-dee sin to have a Christmas that it is so hot we have to wear shorts to be comfortable. Yuck.
Hi Annie,
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that you are feeling so bereft these days. It's a very difficult time of the year for so many people. I hope that you find some comfort and some joy very soon.
Thank you Loretta. I am sure things will look brighter again soon. It is a difficult time for a lot of people. I try to remain sensitive to that fact when I am out and about in the frenzy. I do feel blessed in many ways and know that things could be much worse for me.
ReplyDeleteAnnie,
ReplyDeleteThe period of time which the Protestants eschewed celebrating Christmas was the Victorian era (or may be just before) - I think.
As for the flat affect - I do understand about that. I am not sure how long you have been taking the meds - it may need tweaking or it may be just the way your are going to respond. I know there are times I find myself thinking that about me. But I'll take that to the alternative.
Christmas is a hard time of year for me also. It's definitely a mixed bag - there are parts of it I really do love, but there are parts I could easily do without.
This is not really my favorite time of year at all, for lots of reasons. I am not by any stretch of the imagination a religious person, but the commercialism this time of year just bugs the hell out of me. It does on all the other *holiday* type days as well; Mother's Day, Valentines, etc. I can't stand watching TV right now... apparently if my husband doesn't gift me with a new Lexus every year, there is something wrong.
ReplyDeleteTotally agree about the Christmas in Shorts thing. Totally.
ReplyDelete(Although, that does mean you can lock all the kids outdoors for the day and hopefully not have them scrambling around underfoot. I always feel a little bad about doing that when the water hose is frozen and they can't get a drink. hee hee hee.)
Annie, I remember the "flat" feeling too. However, it helped me take some of the steps I needed to take to get healthier, without the chaos of FEELINGS overpowering everything and making me crazy! It helped me LEARN new ways to respond to situations without all the crap flying around! haha
ReplyDeleteI hope the same for you - even if the flatness gets to you - USE IT!! (that's an encouragement, not an order!) haha
I'm sorry about the loss of your brother, it's the same for me this time of year. Missing lost ones. God Bless you this season, all through around the other stuff.
Cathy I'm finding out Christmas is a hard time for a lot of people. I guess I always knew that, in a way. I've just never experienced it.
ReplyDeleteFlutterby It's true, the commercial aspect does kind of mess up the holiday.
Rach We don't have to worry about that--our water hoses rarely freeze!
Captainwow There are some things that I need to do something about. Those things, all the medicine in the world will not help.
Annie - Love the tombstone - seems tender, somehow...but I wonder if it makes you even sadder to see it sometimes.
ReplyDeleteLost my younger brother suddenly over eight years ago now. Most of our life, his spent in service to our country, had us seeing each other but once or so every other year. His loss hurts, and often, none the less. May you find comfort in He who transcends the season, Annie.........
ReplyDeleteCandis I don't know that it makes me any sadder. I added it to the post at the last minute, when I remembered I had taken a photo of it while I was out doing cemetery photos earlier this year.
ReplyDeleteJim That is one thing I am grateful for about my brother's death, we all had time to make our peace with it, so to speak, because he had a year after the diagnosis before he died.
I lost a very good friend three days before Christmas. So full of life, and albeit the prognasis was grim from the "git go" he was so upbeat you had trouble believing he would really die. I thought about him at various times throughout the holidays and felt sad, but also made me more conscious of enjoying the holidays both the good and the bad. I will surely miss him forever
ReplyDeleteJenny Thinking of you and your friend's family at this time.
ReplyDelete