(and various other important things)
Random things about today:
A year ago today was the day I had my colon cancer surgery.
Today makes eleven months since my son's passing.
Today is my son's best friend's birthday.
Today begins the year anniversary of the month (and year) that radically changed my life.
(And I don't think I am exaggerating a single bit when I say that.)
I was holding back tears this morning when all these little tidbits started coming together and as I texted his friend to wish him the happiest of birthdays. It is no coincidence the Rilke quote came to my attention yesterday: "Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final."
I'm okay, really. For the most part. But my senses are heightened and my emotions are tender. I have to feel these things and I have to write about them in whatever way I can (even when it doesn't totally makes sense, even when the old me would have died before I allowed myself to be this vulnerable in this place). It's important, almost urgent.
I do not hurt all the time. Really, most of the time, I am at peace. But sometimes the gravity of what all happened in the last few months of last year weigh so heavily on me.
Sometimes it feels like I'm watching a movie and I already know how it's going to end and my whole self tenses up and mourns in anticipation of what is coming. But it's true: I've already lived it. And I am surviving and learning to live with the knowledge of my loss. For that I am grateful.
Definitely understand "watching a movie". Yep. And even though you know what happens, you can't look away.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you surviving. And learning. And teaching the rest of us.
Thanks, Rach. How I hate being so directly open about feelings. It's not my normal nature. I'm usually more subtle...
DeleteYeah. What Rach said. And you have made it through with strength and grace and your kindness intact.
ReplyDelete<3
Aww, thank you, Denise! Your presence around here has helped me so much.
DeleteExquisite composition, magical colors. The kingdom of oranges.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Leovi!
DeleteThis post has that bittersweet beauty to it that only comes through suffering. Hugs to you. Thank you for your vulnerability. I truly do believe, as Brene Brown writes, that when we are vulnerable, we are beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI know you are right, Hope! But it is so hard, being open to vulnerability.
DeleteI like the juxtaposition of a bowl of fresh fruit over an old cracked sidewalk. It's as if some part of your creative subconscious, or perhaps consciousness, is saying, "Look, living triumphs, it goes on." A heart without cracks hasn't really lived, hasn't loved, hasn't felt. You've done all those things. And you really are okay ... most of the time.
ReplyDeleteThank you! The cracks in the heart are indeed a necessary part of living, I think.
DeleteI agree, it is like watching a movie... me sometimes I hit rewind to make sure I saw what I think I just saw... because sometimes it's too unreal. Yet, we know things are-indeed very real.
ReplyDeleteDiane you are so brave and I am so touched by your writing. I really speaks to me and those days you write, sometimes it's as though you are writing to me or for me. Speaking the words that I cannot form.
It's a gift to me and I love you for that,
I thank you.
Thank you, Lori! I'm glad it speaks to you. You have been an encouragement and an example to me.
DeleteThere's an old quote, Annie, penned in one of my Bibles, served up by a few notables along the way and one you may have already heard:
ReplyDelete"Pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in ou despair and against our own will, there comes wisdom through the awful grace of God."
Voicing such things is often medicine unto our soul and bonds us together, one with the other. We are "with" you, maam, at least in that connection you have shared with us.
I agree, Jim. Thank you for being "with" me in these things.
DeleteWay to BE in it. Good for you for moving forward.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Captainwow! "BE" just might be my word for the coming new year!
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