When I first thought about the verb admit, I thought of it in terms of confession, as if I'd have to be telling all my secrets or something. But in thinking further, I thought of the things I admit into my life.
Happiness was what I admitted into my life for a fleeting moment last Sunday when we were getting ready to leave the country to come home. Things are slower there, less stressful, simpler. But happiness (not to be confused with joy, which to me, is a much richer feeling) is fleeting.
But I've also admitted some problems into my life. I've done this to myself. There are some things I could do to make it better. They are difficult things. I will admit: I am struggling with setting boundaries. Things that other people take for granted about setting boundaries, I can not do. And my inability is costing me, and causing problems in my everyday life.
Funny how Mindy just wrote about boundaries--"boundaries that you set yourself can be good and healthy but can hurt. You know it is for the best but it is like carving words into your arms and watching yourself bleed."
Mindy is not the first person to stress to me the importance of healthy boundaries. And she probably won't be the last.
The other thing she said about boundaries? "Then you decide the blood is not so bad if it will eventually lead to the healing."
I wish I was past this bump in the road, to the point where the cuts were scars, to the point where I could say I chose healing, but I am not there yet.
Neither am I here, where I feel alive from having chosen to stand my ground, though people tell me things will change if I will just buck up and set the boundaries. It doesn't feel good, thinking you can't do things people tell you can.
On the bright side, Mindy did it and she survived. I know others have too.
I am crying. Dear one you CAN do it. I do not know what it is that you have to do but I do know you are capable. I feel like you have already done one of the most hardest things imaginable.
ReplyDeleteI wanted to take the boundary down that I set so many times. I wanted to yell NEVER MIND but some part of my mind knew that, if I did, I would eventually have to put it into place again AND it would be even harder. I f*ckin' did not want harder.
So...here I stand. Me and all of your friends. You have this today. In fact, today is THE day. You know that fleeting feeling of happiness? Begin to set just a tiny bit of that boundary and watch the happiness eventually grow.
XOXO
and OMG I am in love with the jagged edges piece.
ReplyDeleteDitto on Jagged Edges.
ReplyDeleteYou don't know how many times every day I think of you with your chin set just living in spite of it all. You are making plaster patches out of pieces of art and unguents out of hot words to pour over the cut places. Until they heal, you are keeping the wound from draining you dry.
Great entry. You made me think. :)
ReplyDeleteI love that last photo...so poignant.
ReplyDeleteI've never really had too many problems with boundaries - although I tend to take on too many yeses at once and then say no for far too long afterwards. Still - the saying no comes without too much distraction (unless it's something I really wanted to do in the first place but just didn't have the time.)
most excellent and I love the jagged glass too... And yes we've all done it and we've all survived. fear is a crazed animal sometimes, or so it seems... sometimes we just want to smack it and say,"down dammit, down" , then watching as it leaves by the back door and marches right back in the front. I have yet to figure that one, but what I did figure was like what Mindy said... give yourself permission to smack it and let it bleed. In our own numbness it's the pain we fear most. Half the time we're so slap eyed we don't even feel it. This spoken by someone coming off a little go around with setting some not so new but strongly reinforced boundaries... which also reminds me, they're always gonna need another slap to it now and then. I think it's the warmth we like... just a passing thought on the bleeding...sometimes its the only warmth we feel.
ReplyDeleteDamn I sound depressed... must be the crud bug thats ailing me.. yes well I wish it was but it's the truth.
Too many days of saying to myself "what the hell were you thinking?"
I think this is beautiful Diane, and yes you will and yes you can...
Cuz I know ya.
Don't know about "boundaries", having entered into my present stage via old-time holiness that had all kinds of boundaries. To each their own, but I prefer to go back to your two verbs: If you will "admit" Christ to step into your life and then "permit" Him to set your boundaries by a tug on the anchor-line, somehow it all comes together step by step....
ReplyDeleteWhen you are ready, you can do it. Until then, you're still okay. You're taking steps forward each day. Sometimes big ones, sometimes so small you aren't sure your foot moved at all, but it did, and it will keep moving. One day you'll realize you know where the boundary is, or should be, and you'll put it there.
ReplyDelete