Seeing Joy

Anne Lamott, in talking about writing being a bit like watching a Polaroid develop (where we don’t quite know how the picture is going to turn out), said this about a draft she had written:

My life has not been tragic by any means. I’ve experienced my share of tragedy, though, and have persevered through many trying circumstances by means of sheer effort. Joy is no small reward for the effort.

I often question myself as to why I spend so much of my time documenting my life in my journal, my calendar, my blog, and even in my “thangs” I create.

I have no formal degree, no earned title of importance. I don’t even have the capability to fully support myself I needed to. I have no credible way of proving my worth.

Too many times, I use that “lack” to beat myself up and I struggle with feelings of worthlessness.

This weekend I’ve spent some time going through my journal entries and writing a one or two word summary of each one. Looking through those words, I see there really is far more light than there is darkness.

This kind of documentation, which gives me a quick glance at the overall status of my life by capturing one or two word snippets of what I am writing about is extremely valuable to me. When I am lost in the darkness, which happens far more than I’d like to admit, when my mind tells me there is no hope and that I am a worthless piece of humanity, I can look back at my own documentation of my life and I can see the balance (and the tension) of both darkness and light in my life. I am forgetful and I need the reminders. 

The reminders help me pick up, once again, the strand of joy that runs though my life. They are signposts that help keep me from getting totally lost in the darkness.

These journal entries, these blog posts, the thangs, they are all also notes to/for my future self. I so often imagine such a bleak future for myself. If my future turns out better than expected, these notes will offer a bit of joy over how far I have come. If it were to all downhill, as I often expect, these notes might offer confirmation of how far I have come and encouragement to continue on the journey.