Slow and Steady, Grasshopper

It's not easy facing your own mortality. It's not easy facing the mortality of your loved ones. And yet, I've done that, and I'm doing it again, now. 

My sister is facing surgery for colon cancer. 

My husband has had triple bypass surgery. He's doing well, all things considered.

It's far easier being the patient than watching your loved one be the patient.

I did not expect to feel so lost, driving home from the ICU after that first visit. 

I felt like a vessel without a rudder. I still do. 

I got all shook up (and not in a good way). 

I lost so many hours, not knowing quite what to do, or where to be.

I got bogged down in worry and stress and fear.

I lost my present moment while living in an imaginary future.

And then I read this:

"taking even one more breath is a blessing."

And I knew I was reading a fundamental truth.

This "one more breath,"

this present moment,

now,

that is where I need to be.

As I told my sister,

"one step at a time."

As I told my husband,

"you'll get better, a little at a time."

One step at a time,

a little at a time.

I did not tell them

there would be days

that would feel like the proverbial

two steps forward, one step backwards.

Oh, there will be days like that.

But just remember, always,

"taking even one more breath is a blessing."