Gratitude. And Resistance.

I've been wrestling with some things. One of those things has been this diagnosis of diabetes. I have not yet decided whether I want to say that "I am a diabetic" or "I have diabetes." It seems silly, but there is a difference in my mind. I am overweight, and there is a bit of shame in admitting diabetes, no matter how I express it, as though I might have brought this on myself, but I do know skinny people with the disease. The other thing is, when the news is fairly public, people have all kinds of ideas about what you should and should not be doing and sometimes those ideas are not exactly accurate. But, at any rate, the only true shame would come in me receiving this diagnosis and not doing anything to help myself.

The (still weird) doctor has increased my medication. I have been to one part of the education presentation. I am trying to be mindful of what I eat. I have not yet taken a walk or done any sort of real exercise. I have been irritated at having to check my blood sugar every morning (oh I know, that is indeed whiny, things could be so much worse) and I have been irritated to find my numbers are still a little too high, in spite of my (sometimes) sacrificial eating habits and regularly taking my medicine. That almost makes me want to go out and eat one of those tubs of ready-made sour cream chocolate cake frosting, just for spite (hey, I never claimed to be perfect!). But I know that would be counter-productive. So far, I have resisted the temptation. Exercise is what is needed. Exercise is what I have been resisting.

You might be wondering what brought this little tirade on. It is that I am slowly gaining a new perspective and appreciation for this diagnosis. I often see things in a skewed sort of way, and I am beginning to see diabetes as a bit of a gift to me. I seem to need boundaries (we all need boundaries) and having to eat mindfully and in a disciplined manner (about the same amount of carbs each day, about the same time each day) is slowly starting to shape me into a healthier lifestyle. I need to be reigned in. Otherwise, I would continue to eat whatever I want, and however much I want, and Lord knows it would all have caught up with me eventually, so at least I am getting an early start before too much damage is done. For that, I am grateful. It does not mean I am happy about the limits. I am not. But I am grateful for the opportunity the limits present.

And I really need to adjust my attitude and get up off my duff and at least take a little thirty minute walk every day. The funny thing is, I see the habit of walking as a time for prayer, for meditation, as an all-around calming and positive habit. The benefits would far outweigh the “pain” and inconvenience of the effort it would take to walk. Sheesh. I know I need to do it. And one day soon, I will.

There are other things on my mind as well. Who knows, this place might become a confessional of sorts for a short time. We shall see.