I found myself in a situation where I wasn't getting something I wanted when I wanted it (attention), and I felt the desire to push to get it. The story I attached to the situation was that I was never going to get the attention I wanted, that all was lost, and that simply is not true. But the story made me want to push and possibly attempt to manipulate things so I could have what I wanted.
I've been thinking about this particular situation for a couple of days now and my instinct was telling me that I didn't need to push, that I needed throttle back and let the situation unfold, whether I was happy about it or not. As I allowed my imagination to envision the story of my throttling back and relaxing into my own feelings (fear of loss) and into the situation, my trust returned that the situation would work itself out and was not at all the catastrophe I had manufactured in my head.
But here's the deal: I still had that urge to do something, that desire to push, and I did not know what to do with that. I was annoyed with myself for being so stupid as to worry about the situation and I thought to myself, "Well, this will be a good night to push yourself to walk five miles." Now, at first I was seeing this as a way to "punish" myself for being so danged needy and getting upset, but as I walked, I began to realize it was a great substitution for my desire to push another human being and it truly relieved some of my stress with the situation!
I've been working on reading Pema Chodron's Living Beautifully With Uncertainty and Change. She is one of the ones who writes about how we attach stories to things, and get the idea that we HAVE to have things a certain way, when true acceptance is not predicated on whether or not we are happy with whatever it is we are accepting.
I'm smart enough to also figure out that the harder we cling to some things, the more damage we do. My pushing would have been a form of clinging. I didn't want to do that.
And that's another of the advantages to getting out and moving your body. You can expend the energy you might be tempted to spend on pushing other people in an attempt to get what you want when you want it and it really does help to relieve the tension. I "wore myself out" and came to terms with the idea of just riding things out and observing what will happen.
Well, that was just good... and made so much sense and a good reminder for me too... I walk off my loopy brain too.. and you're right, our minds tend to settle and our thoughts become not as large as we thought they were before we set out. I'll have to check out that book. Sounds like something I should read too. I'm still loving the other one. Parts of that I re read to remind myself of certain aspects. He too, likens things in a way like you talked about here. True thought, false thought thing.. amazing when you sit and look at some things and think, good Lord what was I thinking?
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing this Diane. Good stuff. And good for you walking 5 miles!! Jeepers!
Jeepers indeed, Lori! I might not be able to get out of bed tomorrow! Another interesting (little bit weird) book I've recently finished is "The Untethered Soul" by Michael Sanger (I believe). Check it out...
ReplyDeleteI loved this. I am the one being pushed (not in your situation!). It is causing problems and lots of damage but I cannot get the person to stop it. Thank you for loving yourself enough to self talk and take control of your part of the whole thing. I love that you tell us what is going on because it always applies to my life in some way.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you are able to identify with what I write (but not glad you are being pushed).
DeleteMy of my....thank you for unpacking this process for us Diane. Our deepest hurts, fears and hungers are less painful when we find them reflected in the words of others.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Connie. You remind me of the saying, "pain shared is divided, joy shared is multiplied."
DeleteInteresting you mention punishment of self via exercise - I thought about that a lot when I started running. Eventually it became more about accomplishment, but there are still times...
ReplyDeleteI guess in the beginning it truly feels like punishment, especially when you are pushing yourself (like in my killer class), but when you start feeling better, looking better, and getting hooked on being active, it feels less like punishment.
DeleteAnd another thing I think of when I am pushing myself, and walking a long walk, or working out in the killer class, is how grateful I am that my body is able to walk and work out (and "thus far, up to this point", and add whatever other qualifiers I need to say, continues to be healthy enough to do so!).
Exactly. I appreciate that I am able AND that I am willing, since I wasn't always.
DeleteMe too, I'm grateful for the willingness, sometimes amazed at the willingness! You helped inspire me. I'm grateful for that too.
DeleteThere is little more healing, more a prayer closet, than a long walk taken with self and the Holy Ghost....
ReplyDeleteYou are right, Jim. I have to remind myself to listen better. I do notice things, and I usually have a mindset of gratitude along the way...
ReplyDeleteThis is fantastic. I haven't thought in these terms before. Will have to ponder. And the spider picture rocks.
ReplyDeleteI need to get back to that feeling of accomplishment vs. punishment.
How are you doing on the pondering, Rach?
Delete