Monday, May 25, 2015

What Now?

"The name "daylily" is accurate; each blossom survives only one day, opening in the morning and by the end of the day its life is over. The flowering stalk, however, continues producing new flowers for up to three weeks. Because each plant has many flowering stalks, the plant may continue to flower for several weeks or months."

I've had a bit of a struggle, wondering how to live now that I've finished my chemo treatments. Finishing chemo is a good thing. I was so thrilled yesterday to be able to ring the bell to let the world know I am "on my way to being well." I had to read this sign out loud and I cried. I toughed it out and made it through this stage of the journey. It was a relief to be done. Yeah, I'm on my way to being well...

But the problem is, I don't really know that. Not yet. I will go back on July 5th for a cat scan and will hear the results from the doctor on July 6th. So I've had to decide how I am going to live with the uncertainty.

It's not like I was ever guaranteed a certain number of days in my life. None of us are. So I haven't really lost anything. I've just been forced to come face to face with the prospect of my own mortality.

And in the interim, I will have to learn to live with the uncertainty, which really is nothing new. It's always been that way.

The daylily blooms one day and its life is over. It doesn't fret over the fact that it only has one day to live (I know, I know--if a daylily had a brain, it might fret, bear with me here!).

My point is that I am going to jump back into life and enjoy the fact that I am alive. I can only live in the present. I will deal with whatever might be hanging over my head when I know what is hanging over my head. In other words, I will work hard on not imagining the worst (nor the best) of what might come in 6 weeks. I'll have to get really good at this because I will be going for checkups every three months for three years, and then every 6 months for two years. I can't be wasting my present (now) time fretting over what may or may not happen.

I'm going with the daylily. I'm going to seize whatever days I have coming to me and I'm going to live mindfully in the present.

I'm not yet done with my growing, peeps.


  1. It's a thrifty way to look at life. You are using all your days rather than handing them over to the unknown. It would be sad to find oneself at the end of the days and know the most precious last ones were wasted. I'm betting on you. I'm investing in the futures market of Diane. I'm buying shares of your days. Make me rich with friendship, girl.

  2. Finding myself at the end of my days and knowing the most precious last ones were wasted is what I am trying hard to avoid, Cyn. Can't be sitting around waiting for things to get better while life passes me by!

    Thanks for betting on me! We are both richer with our friendship!

  3. Good approach, annie. I watched this Ted talk a bit ago and thought you might find it interesting especially in light of what you're saying here.

    Ring dem bells!

  4. Thanks, Daisy! Which Ted talk were you referring to?

    1. oops, my mind ain't what it used to be...

    2. This comment has been removed by the author.

  5. You warm my soul with such words, Annie. I like the way Cyn put it. Lean on Him, lean on friends, but "ring that bell"! Find you some good worship music that "connects", take some time apart to meet Him in all that He is, and let that day lily bloom in you. You've got a lot left to give. Still in my prayers, my friend.....

  6. I like what Cyn said too. She should really be a writer, dontcha think?

    If I ever go to Long John Silvers again I'll 'ring the bell' too. It will be my homage. :D I'm really glad to have gotten to know you. You're totally LJS homage-worthy.


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