When I first thought about the verb admit, I thought of it in terms of confession, as if I'd have to be telling all my secrets or something. But in thinking further, I thought of the things I admit into my life.
Happiness was what I admitted into my life for a fleeting moment last Sunday when we were getting ready to leave the country to come home. Things are slower there, less stressful, simpler. But happiness (not to be confused with joy, which to me, is a much richer feeling) is fleeting.
But I've also admitted some problems into my life. I've done this to myself. There are some things I could do to make it better. They are difficult things. I will admit: I am struggling with setting boundaries. Things that other people take for granted about setting boundaries, I can not do. And my inability is costing me, and causing problems in my everyday life.
Funny how Mindy just wrote about boundaries--"boundaries that you set yourself can be good and healthy but can hurt. You know it is for the best but it is like carving words into your arms and watching yourself bleed."
Mindy is not the first person to stress to me the importance of healthy boundaries. And she probably won't be the last.
The other thing she said about boundaries? "Then you decide the blood is not so bad if it will eventually lead to the healing."
I wish I was past this bump in the road, to the point where the cuts were scars, to the point where I could say I chose healing, but I am not there yet.
Neither am I here, where I feel alive from having chosen to stand my ground, though people tell me things will change if I will just buck up and set the boundaries. It doesn't feel good, thinking you can't do things people tell you can.
On the bright side, Mindy did it and she survived. I know others have too.