Saturday, September 15, 2007

Honestly? No. I Am Not Exactly Fine

I think I have this unconscious belief that once things get settled with my son, then I can live my life. I forget that things are never totally settled with any of us. Stuff happens. Yet it still takes me a little while to adjust after he does something like this. I lose small pieces of my life while I try to regroup. He's doing okay now. He is going to meetings (Narcotics Anonymous) every single day. He's going to church with my aunt. He has a job now.

But I am still a wreck. I can't keep my thoughts together very well. If I am not at work I want to be sleeping. My "get up and go" done got up and went, as my rural kinfolks would say. My house is a mess. I spend too much time aimlessly wandering around on the Internet.

Sometimes I feel like I am about to cave in on myself.

Sometimes I feel sorry for myself and create stuff like this--

Eventually my heart and my head get it together and realize I have plenty to be thankful for, that it is not the end of my world and that I will be better off it I will quit thinking and worrying so much and just live one day at a time. Then I create stuff like this--

And then I stay up half the night playing around with canvas and gel medium trying to make it look all artsy-fartsy like this--

Then I throw it on the bed in the extra bedroom, my studio (yeah right, keep trying to fool yourself old lady) and dream of one day doing something with it.

So yeah, I guess things are getting back to normal for me, whatever that means (sounds to me like I still have a little self-pity problem). Anyway, that's how it is with me at the moment--a little bit empty, a little bit like a rat on a maze.

(BTW, Mindy, yes, in the previous post, those are ATCs I created.)


  1. Looks like you've got AA(Artist's Angst). And, although I don't in any professional sense know what I am talking about here, seems to me you nailed in on number three. God seems to have dropped a pretty great message right there on the right hand side of that there poster, woman. Now read it. A few hundred times. And then go find a way to get your art out there.

    Because it deserves to be.

  2. There is some good stuff flowing out of you right now... flowing out of what IS right now, even if you are not exactly OK you are exactly where God knew you would be.
    And you are co-creating with His Working in you........

  3. The news concerning your son sounds like it's coming together for him. Maybe what you need is not so much learning to "cope" as it is to "relax" and know that He is in this with you. So much talent you have, ma'am......

  4. Forgive me, but your life sounds...well, "NORMAL" to me.

    Recommended reading (if you haven't): "The Heart of the Artist" by Rory Noland. From a Christian point of view, it takes a look at the unique way artistically wired individuals interact with their world. It's comforting and encouraging. You really should check it out.

    Sounds like you are finding a way to navigate some extraordinarily difficult circumstances. Keep the truth in front of you - don't deny what you feel, good or bad - and the Light will continue to shine through.

    Praying for you today...

  5. I understand. Totally. I have no wise words. We will just all hang on until this passes. Together.

  6. Ah, Annie Oddflower -- so lovely to see you posting again and to hear that your son is doing so well. These are fantastic bits of creativity -- I'll bet your STUDIO is a delightful place to visit! I think about you every day.
    :-) Get out there and live, sweetie! It really is a gift!

  7. I'm right where you are, Annie. Plus a couple of things and minus a couple of things.
    And I feel like the universe is centered again, now that you are back to posting.

  8. Big deep breaths, lots of oxygen, look up at the sky and marvel, listen to the butterflies.


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