Saturday, August 04, 2012

Moving At My Own Private Pace

(A stack of my son's freshly laundered clothing. The big plaid on the top stack is a pair of his shorts. I always loved when he wore his "tablecloth" shorts!)

We got a new washer and dryer recently and today my husband and one of his friends (mostly the friend!) installed both of them. You know how it is when you install a new washer and dryer, you look around for laundry to do.

My son was a clothes horse. We used to tease him about having more clothes than a girl. Every time he got a little extra money he spent some of it on clothing. I fussed at him for having way more than he needed.

It's coming up on eight months and I still have piles of his laundry sorted out in his room. His friend brought it back from Pennsylvania not long after he died and it took me a while just to get in there and sort it all.

Since I had a new washer and dryer so I figured I'd grab a load or two and work on getting his clothes washed. I still have lots to go. But having washed a couple of loads, I am reluctant to wash more. It almost feels like if I wash it all, I'm going to wash him away. By that I mean the smell of him. When I go in there now I can still smell him. It's almost comforting to see his clothes lying around waiting to be washed.

And if I wash all his clothes then I will be obligated to do something with them. I am not in a hurry to do that. I still need time. It would seem silly to have them all washed and hung up and folded, waiting for a boy to come home who is not coming home.

I found this photo in one of my old files the other day. I probably made it about five or six years ago. It pains me that I can not find the original photo that I used for this. I believe he is sitting on the porch steps at my sister's house one Thanksgiving but I am not sure. I'd like to find it. I was talking earlier on Facebook about how I wished I had a photo of his hands. This would have been a good one. Maybe I'll find it. I sure hope so.


  1. Your time is right whenever it is.

  2. Love the Stevenson quote.

    Laughing about the tablecloth shorts. :)

    1. Thanks, Rach. Yeah, he often had "special" tastes in clothing!

  3. Beautiful.
    And smell is important. And primal. And the most likely sense to trigger memories.
    Take your time, my friend.
    Set your own pace.


  4. When my brother died, one of the relatives read a poem she had come across about, how when someone close to you passes, it isn't all an immediate loss in the sense that life often brings to you rememberance through little parts of them left behind. At least part of what it referred to was catching the smell of something and it sparking a memory. I love the picture, Annie as well as the words. He was a good-looking fellow....

    1. Thanks, Jim! I'm grateful for all remembrances, great and small. I think that is part of what helps us make it through the loss...

  5. What a touching post...feel a big virtual hug. Keep them as long as you need to...

  6. So much healing in these words.

    Peace to you, friend.

  7. Thank you for sharing this special moment in your life.
    God bless you!!!!


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