My mind has been a bit preoccupied with fear lately. Perhaps it has to do with the looming date with a surgeon to remove another cancerous part of my colon that is hanging over my head, a date that has not yet been set, for various reasons mostly having to do with doctors who don't seem to see any need to rush getting my records over to MD Anderson.
I've got some smart people affirming my courage and my braveness. But still, I was newly challenged by this quote from one of my Facebook blogging friends:
"Look. It is blowing my mind how afraid women are of apparently everything these days. Ladies! Listen to me! One of the most powerful things you can do right now to change the world is STOP BEING AFRAID." --Lois JohnsonAfter reading the quote, I put my phone down and went outside to see this guy hanging around. I immediately went back into the house to retrieve my camera and very bravely stood under the spider and his prey to take pictures while the words STOP BEING AFRAID reverberated in my ears!
One of my biggest fears before the last colon cancer surgery (in 2011) was the tube that was going to be coming from my stomach and up out of my mouth. I fretted anxiously over that silly tube until a very good friend finally said something on the order of "Listen, the tube is not your enemy. The cancer is your enemy." I did finally put that concern out of my mind. The crazy thing was that I was so out of it after the surgery that I was never really consciously aware of the tube! It wasn't totally an irrational fear, but it was a fear on which I spent way too much time and energy, considering the other things I was facing.
So, I don't know. Somehow the spider became a messenger who "spoke" to me of fear and the crazy ways we sometimes handle fear.
The spider
scared me. Knowing he was hanging there above my head scared me. I was afraid
of accidentally getting caught in the web as I walked outside. It was an
irrational fear—the web was ten feet above the ground. I am barely five feet
three inches tall. But, hey, who says all fear is rational?
My husband asked if I wanted him to knock the spider web down. With a little hesitation, I said, “I guess so” and so he did. Is this not often the tactic we use with the objects of our fear? We take it down, we stomp it, we get it before it gets us. And some of us cower down and slink off to another spot, which is what I was quite prepared to do had my helpful “Mr. Fix-it” husband not intervened.
My husband asked if I wanted him to knock the spider web down. With a little hesitation, I said, “I guess so” and so he did. Is this not often the tactic we use with the objects of our fear? We take it down, we stomp it, we get it before it gets us. And some of us cower down and slink off to another spot, which is what I was quite prepared to do had my helpful “Mr. Fix-it” husband not intervened.
Yes, I know sometimes those tactics are necessary. Evil is real and there are
plenty of legitimate things to fear in this world. But—a spider? Well, yeah, there
are some spiders to be feared but I don’t think this one was poisonous.
I thought of an essay I’d read where a woman saw a spider in her bathroom, attempted to eradicate him, failed to do so, and eventually made her peace with the spider as she became aware of their shared energy.
“Did you kill that spider?” That’s what I asked my husband after I remembered the essay and began to think again about how we are all connected and interdependent, about the whole huge, beautiful (corny, cheesy) circle of life in which we are all ensnared.
It’s true—death is a part of life. And there are real dangers in life that stir legitimate fear. But how often do we mistake legitimate fear for irrational fear, and what irreversible damage do we do in reacting to an irrational fear?
I thought of an essay I’d read where a woman saw a spider in her bathroom, attempted to eradicate him, failed to do so, and eventually made her peace with the spider as she became aware of their shared energy.
“Did you kill that spider?” That’s what I asked my husband after I remembered the essay and began to think again about how we are all connected and interdependent, about the whole huge, beautiful (corny, cheesy) circle of life in which we are all ensnared.
It’s true—death is a part of life. And there are real dangers in life that stir legitimate fear. But how often do we mistake legitimate fear for irrational fear, and what irreversible damage do we do in reacting to an irrational fear?
How lovely, and a spider... :)
ReplyDelete~LJ (Texas style)
:) I can't say that I will become bosom buddies with any spiders, but I guess I can be a tiny bit friendlier, LJ!
DeleteFear. Huge topic...and directly connected to, I would guess, "death is a part of life." Fear of things like spiders often disguises larger fears such as the fear of our own death. I'm thinking, what about switching the lens for this one? What would happen if you imagined yourself as the spider, attached to the twigs and leaves of that tree? The web which you have spun is strong enough to hold your own weight and that of a grasshopper much larger than yourself! That is a miracle in and of itself. And there you are...hanging on, hanging on...and conquering a thing which is twice your size and weight...and drawing sustenance from it. Now there's a another miracle.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to switch the lens on this one, Connie, and think about that perspective. I love that idea! Thanks! You are so right about the fear of things like spiders disguising larger fears.
DeleteI'm with the spider. In a big case of displaced fear, I used to be terrified of them. (Instead of what I was actually afraid of.) Now I try to balance all that spider mania by getting to know their habits. Perhaps the tube fear was similar. I see you as grabbing life pretty firmly now. Facing what is there.
ReplyDeleteI'm really working on grabbing life firmly, Cyn, working on figuring out what I am actually afraid of...
DeleteI like to read Annie Dillard, as you know, and she writes (in Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, I believe) of discovering a spider in her bathroom, leaving it there to accomplish its purpose while she, daily, observed it to the point of talking to it. Not your average woman. Fear, though, is healthy, and God-given, What we have to remember is a few verses like "Perfect love casts out all fear" and "he has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind". Lean on Him, Annie, in all things....
ReplyDeleteJim, I keep intending to bring that book to the country with me and read it on my weekends--one of these days! I like those verses. Leaning on Him keeps me from going stark raving mad with anxiety.
Deletemay your fears yield their deepest tranquilities. (John ODonohue)
ReplyDeleteThanks, Patti! I love that quote (and the picture you did for me)! There is a sense of tranquility underneath all these musings.
DeleteWhen I was a kid, a family friend who was like an adopted aunt would take my sisters and I to her cottage by the lake. There was one creepy room that had an open loft-like space above the bed and at night you could sometimes hear things scurrying. I never chose that room.
ReplyDeleteShe on the other hand would walk into her room and throw her bag of clothes on the bed that had a huge spider web connected to it. When we asked if she was gonna do something about that, she wasn't in the least concerned and essentially said the spider never bothers with her.
I'm still working on the "fear not" stuff... but even in the most rustic cottage, I don' t want a web connected to my bed.
I'm with you, Daisy! I don't want any webs connected to my bed, nor do I want things scurrying above my head! I'm still working on the "fear not" stuff too! I've had some good opportunities to practice lately!
DeleteThis really had a whole lot of what I needed. Not the tube or cancer part. LOL I have to work on silly fears. The big stuff I can handle....the little....it is like that spider of yours.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad it had some things you needed, Mindy! I'm surprised myself at some of the small things that worry me, while there are larger things that don't worry me....
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