Massaged

and still sporting that scared "deer caught in the headlights" look an hour later...

Nah, all in all, it was an enjoyable experience. I was very nervous this morning as I drove to the appointment. I probably would have chickened out had there been a graceful way to do so. In the end, I am glad I faced my fears head-on and went.

The whole scenario was layered in metaphor. The feeling of vulnerability as I undressed and laid on the table was papable. My mind was reeling with thoughts on issues of trust and the intimacy of touch, and for a short minute, I thought my head would explode with all the dramatic thoughts running through my head. I wondered if they received any training dedicated to handling distraught very nearly menopausal old women who were not accustomed to being so pampered!

We talked a bit more than I expected, but I think that is exactly what I needed to help me be more comfortable. Next time, I'll be content to relax and listen to the soothing music.

Then I came home and drew this "self-portrait"-- which I feel entirely comfortable posting on the internet because I am not sure who that woman is. She bears very little resemblance to me, except her hair is too long for a woman of her age, as is mine, and her chin looks vaguely familiar. Did I draw myself, or did I draw symbols of myself, that is the question.

I've always wanted to draw, always believed I could do it, if I just had someone to let me in on the secret of how to do it. The real truth of the matter is that most anyone can do it. The problem is we tend to draw symbolically from our memory rather than actually looking at and studying the lines of whatever it is we are drawing. I remember in drawing class how our battle-axe teacher was always saying we needed to spend three times as much time looking at the thing we were drawing as we spent looking at our papers. Learning to draw is a matter of learning to see.

There is a classic book on the subject of learning to draw, Drawing From the Right Side of the Brain, by Betty Edwards. I am going to work through the exercises in the book and see what happens.

(BTW, I think the "deer caught in the headlights" look comes from the fact that I was concentrating so hard at putting down on paper what I was seeing in the mirror, trying to get the lines realistic. It really is amazing what happens when you actually look at your subject, rather than drawing from memory what you think a face looks like.)