Saturday, January 07, 2012

Strong Women Do Cry

I went Friday morning to do blood work for my primary care doctor's appointment. I did not have a copy of my orders so I had to sit and wait a few minutes for the receptionist to find the paperwork. I was a bit stressed at having to wait because I was afraid I was going to be late for work.

While I was sitting and waiting and watching all the other people go in ahead of me, tears started slipping out my eyes and down my face. It was like the whole last two months was washing over my brain and leaking out my eyes. I sniffled a few minutes and tried to keep anyone else from noticing. Finally, I got my "number" and was called in to have my blood drawn. I was still discreetly sniffling.

I sat down at the chair and saw that it would be more convenient for the blood lady to take blood from my right arm. But my left arm is the better arm for getting blood. And I had so recently had all that struggle at the hospital with them trying to draw blood and get medicine into me through my veins. I was fighting not to lose it. So I spoke up for myself and told her it would probably be better to use my left arm. Then I told her in the briefest and calmest way possible that I had been in the hospital in November, had surgery and came home and my son died and somehow this experience today just brought it all back and she didn't say much but she got me a couple of tissues and proceeded very gently to work on taking blood from my left arm while I mutter something to myself about how "they" said it would hit you at odd times and I just couldn't help it that "it" had hit me at this time.

Sometimes you don't want to tell your whole life story but you do want to get across that the reason you are upset and crying is not just that you are a big fat wuss about having your blood drawn.

I've been so strong through all of this. And I've told anyone who marvels at my strength that it is God's grace that is holding me up. 

My inner Pollyanna is often conflicted. She knows there will be brighter days but she can't deny the presence of all the misery that surrounds her these days. I'm working to convince her that it is not a negation of God's grace if we just sit down a little while and allow ourselves to shed a few tears without worrying about having to be strong and discreet in our mourning.


  1. Amen girl. Strong women do cry. We are allowed to do that. We need to permit ourselves that grace. And not care who sees us. I finally had to ask myself, "who am I being strong for" always have been the strong one too.
    I think it was a good thing today. Yes it will come in waves.... and there may be some big ones. Just let them come. You have too... it's part of the deal. It's part of the healing, the reconnection and coming out the other side half together.
    Diane, you've been through a lot in a very short time. Please, please allow yourself the grace and charity and kindness to yourself, to be gentle, not strong and just take each moment as it comes to you.
    You know I love you sister girl.

  2. My dear, your way of being in the world is amazing me. I can't imagine how you deal with it execept that you have no choice but to keep on going. That might be the hardest thing, huh, just going about life as though the world weren't completely different. I am proud again of how you are moving through the world while you grieve and find your way. Always, I will be in prayer for you to find the joy that juxtaposes against the grief, like light against the darkness.

  3. You know what my favorite part of this is? That you recognize how strong you are.

    And the bit about not being a wuss made me smile.

    You rock.

  4. Lori, thank you. Slowly I am learning to be kind to myself and to cut myself the slack that I need.

    Cyn, thank you. Life is full of paradoxes and this is one, living and walking by God's grace while mourning such a deep loss.

    Rach, thank you. Sometimes my strength is the worst thing about me (apparently another paradox)! Maybe it's not ALWAYS bad to look like a wuss!

  5. You are a super hero in my book.

    We need to have a cape made for you.


    Lori VC

  6. A lot of good words already shared here, ma'am. I have always found Him closest when, "up out of my inner depths", I allow Him to come forth, to walk with me through the moment. Peace, my friend........

  7. Hi, Jim! Thank you. I am moving slowly forward by the grace of God...


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