Forgiven

I've been listening to a series of CDs by Beth Moore, "Wednesdays with Beth", and today she talked about how so many of us Christians live as though we are not forgiven. I really need to listen to this one again (and I will), but hearing the message today is what inspired my thoughts on the photo above. I never know how things will go over, or if they make any sense to anyone other than me, but here it is, such as it is.

I keep telling myself I am forgiven, but some days, it sure seems like I fail to appropriate that forgiveness. Today is my physical birthday. I was given the gift of forgiveness many years ago on my spiritual birthday. How wonderful it would be to accept and celebrate my spiritual gifts, to use them and live with them "out in the open" and not tucked away in the dark recesses of my soul.

Unbalanced & Slightly Out of Focus

This week we were discussing the office Super Bowl pool and I said I was not going to participate because it was too complicated for me to figure out if I won. One of the guys said in an exasperated tone “It’s just numbers, you work with them all day.” My “little boss” (the 25 year old son who is the shop manager) looks at him and says. “Yeah, tell me about it. That’s scary.” I am not a numbers person. What I do all day long is tedious work, which requires attention to detail. I am not a detail person.

I work with “Type A” people who multi-task like crazy and are move like little whirling dervishes all day long. I am a “Type B” personality who does not like to be interrupted from the task at hand and could most likely spend the day doing nothing more than watching the grass grow if I thought I could get away with it. Details are not that important to me.

I rarely see or talk to any customers. I mostly stay in the office with my coworker. I like being around people and miss the opportunity my old job provided in seeing a variety of people.

But this is where I landed two years ago when I started my search for a job after my old one ended when my former bosses shut the doors on their business and retired. It has it advantages—one important advantage is that I am off on weekends and will be able to visit my son each weekend when he is granted the privilege of having visitors in March. But it is also very stressful simply because the job is not a good fit for me.

I’ve been visiting a large church in our area for over a year now. It’s a place where nobody knows my name, and for a long while, I liked it that way. I don’t have a place there yet—a small group where I fit in and can interact on a more personal level with other believers. That is more my fault than the church’s fault.

It seems things are settling down a bit in my life and I am seeing areas where my life is out of balance and I have some work to do. The Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines tag line is “Get out there”. I think that might be this year’s theme for me, to “get out there” and quit hiding and settling. For me, that means a little less thinking and a little more doing.

I regret that I dropped school before I finished and I have hopes of one day going back to complete what I started there, “if God is willing and the creek don’t rise”, as the country people say. But even if I do not go back to pursue formal education, there are still plenty of opportunities to learn and do around me. I plan to take a Leisure Learning class on Photography in March. That is one way of getting out there.

I plan on looking around for a church home. If not this big giant church, then possibly a smaller church, maybe even a different denomination. It’s hard when you feel like you do not fit in your church anymore. I have said I often feel like a square peg being squeezed into a round hole. Maybe God is calling me to be a minister of square pegs being squeezed into round holes! I am searching for direction. And I am searching for a place to serve.

I am looking at jobs again. I am also considering the possibility of a home-based business, which I am not yet ready to write about.

So these are the things that have been on my mind lately. Maybe I'd have myself a little more together in this stage of the game had I only paid a little more attention to the details. Thank God His mercies are new every morning. I'm pretty sure I use my day's allotment every day.

Contemplating LIfe

and not yet ready to write about it....

Light!! On the Horizon!!

Tomorrow will make three weeks since we dropped my son off at the rehab in Houston. We've all been writing letters and this was the week when he could begin to write us. My aunt, who lives in Houston got the first letter yesterday!

He wrote that he was glad he made the decision to go there, the food is good, the beds are comfortable and he is learning about patience, tolerance and acceptance!!

I am so grateful...

Manila Envelopes & Miracles

On Friday two weeks ago, my husband and I retrieved our son from jail, where he had been for four months. He walked out wearing "world" clothing and carrying a Gideon Bible and a manila envelope containing his commisary receipts ("They said you can deduct this off your taxes, Mom."), one of his Algrebra notebooks (a tangible reminder of progress made), and a bar of "state soap" (Let the record reflect that Mom prays he never has to use "state soap" again).

We drove straight to Houston from the jail and spent the night at my aunt's house. It was an emotional and gut-wrenching experience. We fed him two good meals, we hugged and touched and talked and cried. And in less than twenty-four hours after getting him out of jail, we delivered him to a rehab facility in Houston. We took him to a place where we will not be able to see him or talk to him again for ninety days (the program is designed to last for two years). We have been able to write him, and he will be able to write us beginning next week.

I have asked God for many things in the last several years, some of them noble, and some of them not. It's hard to know what to ask God for in situations like this, there are no easy answers. I"ve asked God to end our pain, I've asked for strength to endure. I've begged for a miracle, for my son to be spontaneously healed of this disease.

My faith has been called into question at times because I tend to see the reality that this is a life-long battle that is rarely instantaneously cured. I’ve been walking this road with my son for nearly six years. I’ve seen a lot of programs, seen a lot of effort extended and known a lot of prayers were being offered up on our behalf. To be honest, I have seen very little “success” in dealing with addiction. In fact, I have seen so much failure that I wonder how the professionals can continue to do their work in the face of such overwhelming odds.

Sometimes, I think the miracle is simply the continued ability to put one foot in front of the other, trusting that there is enough grace to make it through each day.

Many times, I think of that verse in Samuel, "thus far, the Lord has helped us", and I am grateful.

State of Mind = Frazzled

Feeling

blue

parched

And suffering from time management issues, apparently.

I've got comments I want to answer, emails to write, a phone call I want to make, some things I want to write about and I can't seem to get any of it done and I have no real legitimate excuse for not doing so.

I Hereby Resolve (Among Other Things)

"Probably the reason we all go so haywire at Christmas time with the endless unrestrained and often silly buying of gifts is that we don't quite know how to put our love into words". Harlan Miller

He's probably right. Therefore, this year I resolve to learn how to do a better job of putting my love into words, thereby avoiding the problem of going haywire at Christmas time.

Happy New Year to y'all.

Oh, and here is a link to my new "favorite song". It makes me smile all over.