I rarely see current photos of myself that I like. It's been a little bit of a personal challenge to force myself to take more photos of me and to find some that I can at least look at without wishing I were not so horribly exposed (to be able to look at myself without self-condemnation, to be able to look at myself with acceptance). I started out doing reflective and obscured views. Occasionally I will take one of my face that I do not absolutely hate, which is not to say that I love it, only that I can look at it without groaning inwardly about how badly I look. This face is not beautiful, but it is mine, and there is a loveliness there, hidden beneath the apparent harshness. (And this photo is not a completely honest rendition of my face, I erased a very deep "frown line" from my forehead, right between my eyes. Frown line, that is what my mother calls it. I prefer to think of it as my "thinking line", the line that is a visible tribute to all that time I spend pondering the wonders and fallacies of the universe!)
Am I angry?
Am I tired?
Am I sad?
The phsychiatrist advises,
"Have someone who knows you well look at your eyes."
I like this one a lot.
I should have paid more attention to my surroundings.
I was just playing around
(the story of my life, where would I be
had I not spent so much time playing around?).
I love this one.
I have nailed the essence of "me" here,
in this photo,
always safely hidden behind obscuring layers.
The sun is setting behind me.
and all I have to do is turn around
to see the real thing, but I am content
to study the reflection in the window.
(Or am I afraid to see the setting sun?)
I'm forever playing around with the filters in Photoshop, trying to make photos look more like paintings and less like photos. I kind of like this one too.
And now for a tiny moment of complaining:
Since I have been home, I have been falling apart in a million tiny ways...It all began with a visit to the gynecologist where they declared my blood pressure was too high and that I had a terrible yeast infection which was probably due to high sugar levels. Took medicine home for the infection (two "overnight" pills and a tube of gunk).
Next up was the dermatologist checkup. I thought he was going to thoroughly check the rest of me for suspicious moles. He checked the incision and decided to biopsy and remove a black mole that was near the incision sight. I asked him about a couple of moles on my back, but the one that was bothering me must have been hidden under my bra strap. When I got back to work, I kept feeling like something was pricking me on my back. When I got home, my daughter looked and the mole was bleeding. So I had to return the next day to the durn dermatologist, where he froze the sucker off and declared it to be totally harmless, but absolutely annoying, especially when located under a bra strap or at a waist line.
So, with that done, I went to the family doctor, who said he never put much credence into blood pressure readings done at the gynecologist's office and found my blood pressure to be within normal range. But tomorrow I'll go do blood work to find out about the sugar, and also to check the thyroid because yeast infections sometimes indicate thyroid problems (and maybe thyroid problems are behind my case of the "gloomies" I have been experiencing lately, or maybe thyroid problems are behind the lethargy I have been experiencing lately, or maybe thyroid problems are behind the lack of creativity I have been experiencing lately, or maybe thyroid problems are the reason I have not won the lottery lately. Ha! Nope! I am normally somewhat melancholic and lazy! And you have to buy a ticket to win the lottery.) Oh yeah, he also discovered an ear infection (which I knew was brewing), so I am now taking an antibiotic and a decongestant.
In the meantime, I also went to the dentist, got a tooth pulled to make way for a bridge and was assured that my problems could be fixed, thus allaying my fears of having to wear dentures. Sheesh. It will cost as much as small bathroom redo (or another cruise!), but I will at least be chewing with my own choppers for a while longer (and the dentist will let us pay our portion out. Good thing he is young, I imagine it is going to take the rest of our lives to pay my chopper repair bill alone!).
The gyencologist assures me it is all maintenance work. All I know is that for about seven weeks in a row, I have various doctor visits scheduled and I don't like it. And I really shouldn't complain, for I am relatively healthy.
(Small update: Thyroid is normal, blood pressure is not a concern at this moment, but the bad cholesterol is high and the good is low. I have this plan to eat walnuts and oatmeal everyday! I have three months to turn things around, otherwise I guess I'll have to start taking cholesterol medicine. The sugar is slightly elevated, not enough for the doctor to call me a diabetic, but still, another good reason for me to start watching my diet and to get a little exercise going.)