Honestly? No. I Am Not Exactly Fine

I think I have this unconscious belief that once things get settled with my son, then I can live my life. I forget that things are never totally settled with any of us. Stuff happens. Yet it still takes me a little while to adjust after he does something like this. I lose small pieces of my life while I try to regroup. He's doing okay now. He is going to meetings (Narcotics Anonymous) every single day. He's going to church with my aunt. He has a job now.

But I am still a wreck. I can't keep my thoughts together very well. If I am not at work I want to be sleeping. My "get up and go" done got up and went, as my rural kinfolks would say. My house is a mess. I spend too much time aimlessly wandering around on the Internet.

Sometimes I feel like I am about to cave in on myself.

Sometimes I feel sorry for myself and create stuff like this--

Eventually my heart and my head get it together and realize I have plenty to be thankful for, that it is not the end of my world and that I will be better off it I will quit thinking and worrying so much and just live one day at a time. Then I create stuff like this--

And then I stay up half the night playing around with canvas and gel medium trying to make it look all artsy-fartsy like this--

Then I throw it on the bed in the extra bedroom, my studio (yeah right, keep trying to fool yourself old lady) and dream of one day doing something with it.

So yeah, I guess things are getting back to normal for me, whatever that means (sounds to me like I still have a little self-pity problem). Anyway, that's how it is with me at the moment--a little bit empty, a little bit like a rat on a maze.

(BTW, Mindy, yes, in the previous post, those are ATCs I created.)

Words

I wrote words similar to the ones on the list below to a therapist friend and he mirrored back to me what I said, only in a calmer and more succinct manner. I received this list as a gift and they are a helpful reminder to me when I am sore afraid and tempted to panic about the choice my son has made, which is nearly 'bout all the time. I am trying hard to lose the fear.

--I can't control everything I care about. That just is.

--I can handle it if everything doesn't turn out the way I wish--even if in some ways that's terrible.

--I'm neither a bad person or a failure if I don't fix it.

--I do care, and I've demonstrated that. That doesn't mean I have to fix everything. And if I don't fix everything, it doesn't mean I don't care.

--I'm not the only one who has the ability to fix things, or the responsibility to fix things. That doesn't mean I can't do, and haven't done, some pretty wonderful fixing at times in my life.

--And I'm not about to become the first adult who can control the behavior of another adult. Nobody else can do that, and it's fruitless to expect myself to do it . . . no matter how comforting it would be in some ways.

--It hurts. But it won't hurt to the same degree forever, and sometimes my only job is to endure the pain, and outlast it, and find healing.

I'm having a hard time dealing with this. Posting may be scarce for a while. I may take a break.

Update

• The good news is that he followed their protocol when he left.
  
• He's staying at my aunt's house in Houston, which was the plan for when he completed the program.
  
• He's going to NA meetings every day and has put applications at several places for a job.

I remain very upset with him for doing this, and very discouraged. He still has a court date in December. What he does between now and then will be very crucial.

Thanks to all of you have been praying. We are all hurting right now but we will adjust and move on from here. It's what families do.

Please Pray

Those of you who pray, please pray hard. My son has left the facility where he has been staying. I have not talked to him yet so I don't know what is going on.

Dean

Actually, the words said "Hurricane forming near Gulf. Keep gas tanks full." These are electronic warning signs along the freeway in Houston. One of the news sources called them Amber Alert signs. The first one I see on the way in to Houston is in Winnie and it usually has information about the ferry that goes to Galveston because that is where you would get off the interstate if you wanted to go to Galveston by ferry.

The center where my son is staying has a plan in place. Occasionally I consider asking if he can be released to my aunt if Houston has to evacuate, but then I start to worry that he might get out of the groove and not want to come back. We visited Saturday and he seemed to be okay with whatever they do.

My husband left this morning for a business trip to Las Vegas. Yesterday one of the girls called saying her sister's mother's brother's baby mama works for the weather service and she said that Dean had moved into the Gulf and they were going to order mandatory evacuation Monday morning. She wanted my husband to call the head honcho and tell him. Hubby said he thought maybe she ought to tell that news.

I got all stirred up and tried to check Dean's location online and my computer was slow as molasses so I got a bit annoyed but eventually discovered that Dean was still in the Atlantic.That is the stuff that bugs me to death when a storm starts to form, all the hype that comes up while we wait to see what will happen. I suppose I should just consider it side show entertainment. I used to, but that was before Rita, before I had actually experienced an evacuation.

We'll know more Tuesday or Wednesday, I think.

Darn It Dean, Stop it With the Deja Vu

Waiting, again. This time, with a queasy feeling in my tummy. Last time, I never would have believed a hurricane would do us as much damage as Rita did.

I've got an email in to my son's counselor asking him if they have an evacuation plan in place, just in case.

Two years ago, Rita looked like she was heading to Houston and then turned toward Louisiana. It's still to early to tell what this one will do.

With my son and other family in Houston, and us in Louisiana, I am a bit antsy.

Worry

No, I'm not worried about anything in particular. I've just been fiddling around with doing collages in my journal again and this is one I did. It is hot around here (like it is in a lot of places) and I feel a bit grumpy so I will hush right now.